[Radio Announcer]: We have been waiting over an hour for the scheduled address to the Nation by President Gilligan about the recent Panic and Hysteria by Loon Americans Over a Small Disease Known as Ebola. I suppose, for President Gilligan, it is easier to be prompt for a tee time than to address the Nation in a timely manner. While the Disease has a Fatality Rate that Is Exceeded by “Mad Cow Disease and Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (HIV/AIDS), President Gilligan has made it well known of his confidence in the Protocols established by the Island’s Center for Disease Control (CDC) Under the leadership of the Professor Roy Hinkley, PH.D. Yet, there have been missteps, including Nurse Mary Ann Summers being diagnosed with Ebola, and calls by Republicans like Thurston Howell III to appoint a “Czar”. We have been told by Island Insiders that a Cure would be found Immediately Upon Finding a Political Retread to Serve as a “Czar” that Coordinates the Truths Exposed by Medical Science with the Talking Points Orchestrated by the Gilligan Administration. We are getting word that the President is ready to address the Nation. We go to him now. We go to the Board Room of the Coco-Palms Hotel where President Gilligan has assembled his Kitchen Cabinet
[President Gilligan]: Manny the Latino are we ready? Good. Good. Hello everyone. As you can see, I have assembled my Kitchen Cabinet to address two matters. One, I was unable to get a Credit Card at Target recently because someone stole my identity. Now, I know that you the American people are more concerned with your my well-being than your own. So, I ask that you be vigilant in helping us solve this matter. Wearing President Richard Milhouse Nixon masks, “four insane boys” entered a store in Harlem singing “Here we come/Walking down the street/Get the funniest looks from/Everyone we meet”. We are certainly not aware of whom they are and would not classify them as “singers”. However, let me be clear, we will not rest until we find out the identities of the four and bring them to justice. We have, since establishing our first talking points, asked our Attorney General, Captain Jonas Grumby, better known as the Skipper, to investigate this matter and come back with a report after the Elections
[Attorney General Grumby]: Thank You Little Buddy!
[President Gilligan]: You’re Welcome Skipper! You’re a big man with a big head and…
[Attorney General Grumby]: Gilligan!
[President Gilligan]: And a big heart.
[Attorney General Grumby]: Oh, thank you.
[President Gilligan]: Now to a smaller matter that would not receive any attention if not for pesky Republicans like Senator Thurston Howell III’s and Representative Eunice Wentworth “Lovey” Howell’s fear mongering and intimating needless panic in the media. He won’t own up to the fact that Republicans cut the budget causing Ebola to breakout in America. He refuses to…