"I met with Pope Francis today. He's a really great pope — great, great pope. You know he's the leader of the Catholic Church — big church.  I couldn't believe it when he told me how many Catholics there are. Way more than I thought. They have churches all over the world; some are very, very close (so close) to my hotels and golf courses.  He tells me he's elected for life, probably copying that Xi guy in China.  Fantastic idea, though.  Fantastic.  It turns out the pope is a lot like me, you never see him with his wife."

 

“He told me he's infallible.  I said that's great, you'll never have to worry about breaking a hip.  And told me about a Mary Magdalene, beautiful girl, beautiful.  I asked him for her number.  Didn't catch his answer.  I'm told he said it in Latin.  I give the guy credit because he doesn't look Latino.”

 

 "He took me into the Sistine Chapel. Beautiful ceiling. Not the usual white stucco stuff.  I don't think too many people even know about this place. The paintings are great, I'm telling you.  Lots of colours.”

 

"The Pope (great guy, by the way, knows more about the Bible than almost anybody  we got along great, I think he really likes me) told me the whole thing was painted by this young Italian.  I think his name is Mike Langelo.”

 

"At least that's what Francis (we're great friends) called him, I think. Trust me, we're going to hear more about this guy. He's really artistic, and everybody tells me I have the greatest eye for the best art.  It's natural, just like my incredible understanding of science.  All the renowned scientists say they can't believe it.”

 

"I told Frank I'd like to buy some of Mike's art. I asked if Mike's done anything on velvet.  He'll check (great guy). I'll hang his stuff at Mar-a-Lago or Trump Tower. This Mike guy needs more exposure. He's too much with the churches.”

 

"He could paint my presidential portrait on the Capitol Dome. Or maybe a mural on my big, beautiful border wall; but just on our side.”

 

"When we left, the pope gave me a bible.  Huge book. (Huge.)  I told him I have the full set. You get one for free every time you take a porn star to a hotel room."

 

[pauses]

 

"Unbelievable.  Just heard.  The main stream media is at it again.  Fake news.  (Fake news.)  I just saw something on TV.  They claim Mike the painter died 450 years ago.  Sad.  I've already got people looking into this and you won't believe what they're finding."