It's about time.

In a speech before the nation today carried by all major media outlets, Russia Today, the Chinese Press and several Haitian Newspapers, President Obama made the following and most significant declarations of his short presidency.

He said:

"The Karzai regime that the United States government supports both politically and with substantial US funding has been determined by a special Congressional panel to be skating on the edge of corruption and indeed, may even be populated by former War Lords.

We have learned, through exhaustive military intelligence efforts that this regime combined with what we call Taliban elements may even be heavily involved in the growing, refining and shipment overseas of various narcotics to include but not limited to high quality heroin.

We have determined that elements of the combined NATO forces have been involved in direct payments to these so-called Taliban insurgents and this is directly funding the refining process. These insurgent drug lords were once responsible only for unrefined heroin being shipped to Pakistan and Dubai for the completion of the refining process but since the beginning of the war effort and the added NATO and US funding these Taliban drug lords have actually constructed industrial style refining centers throughout Afghanistan and are now in the business of producing and selling the final product, raw and uncut heroin on the international market.

We have also procured, through intelligence efforts specifically ordered by General Petraeus a complete and exacting report specifically detailing the actual civilian deaths related to our use of Predator Drones. The report indicates with complete clarity that we have managed to successfully eliminate 12 confirmed Al-Qaeda members with less than 700 civilian casualties making our first use of Predator Drones in a war effort a lasting success towards establishing peace, tranquility and safety for our Afghan friends.

Lastly, through exhaustive diplomatic efforts and combined intelligence research the US State Department has produced a document that seems to indicate that the Al-Qaeda presence in Afghanistan has been reduced to less than 100 fighters without the ability to effectively provoke or attack NATO and/or US forces. More importantly we’ve discovered that the Taliban insurgency is actually made up of a wide variety of Afghan tribes whose specific religious and political beliefs vary dramatically and thus the protracted war effort is actually engaging nothing less than Afghan citizens against the illegal occupation.

For these reasons I’ve decided, after lengthy and exhaustive soul searching, to end the war efforts in Afghanistan and Pakistan, return the Nobel Peace Prize and attack Iran with the combined forces of NATO, Israel and the US military. I know the American people will stand behind these difficult decisions and I want to thank you all in advance for sacrificing your sons and daughters for American hegemony and Imperialism. Power to the multinational corporations. War will bring peace.

Good night and may god bless this great nation. Or Allah. Or Joe the Plumber."