photo credit: Wikimedia Commons

Bill Kristol

Writing this on New Year’s Eve and staring at the past annum in the rearview mirror, you can bet every last hair on your ass that I’m annoyed. Then again, I’m offended by nothing and bothered by everything.

With the stark and baffling exception of 2015, I’ve done these “Most Annoying” compendiums for 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2016. In 2012 I listed only 12. With each year, the listicle tacks on yet another annoying individual to the tally, which brings us to 17 walking annoyances for this past year. It is my belief that over the past five years, the world has gotten progressively more irritating, emphasis on the “progressively.”

Keep in mind that “annoying” is not the same as “most vile.” That’s why neither the Chicago kidnappers of a mentally challenged white teen nor James Hodgkinson, the pig-headed Resistance loser who attempted to gun down Republican congressmen who’d just finished playing baseball, weren’t included. There’s a line where annoying crosses over into infuriating.

It shouldn’t need explaining, but this list is not scientific. I’m just going with seventeen people, both famous and obscure, whose very existence on this planet gave me a skin rash in 2017. And they didn’t need to be annoying in terms of their personality so much as they embodied a highly annoying social trend.

Yes, I am fully aware there are people who may have annoyed you more. It’s highly likely that if you and I were placed in the same room together, we’d quickly annoy one another. There are no “right” and “wrong” answers here.

Annoying people are ranked in ascending order. In other words, while I wouldn’t mind if Juan Thompson were to get a mild tummy ache from prison food one night, I might actually feel warm inside if Bill Kristol were to spontaneously combust.

17. JUAN THOMPSON
Not too long ago, Juan Thompson had it all: Born a poor black child, this mentally underqualified journalist was given a gig at Glenn Greenwald’s Intercept website, where he wrote about black issues from a black perspective for what was likely a 99% white audience. But he soon fell from grace when it was revealed he’d fabricated a story about how Charleston shooter Dylann Roof’s nonexistent cousin told him that Roof went on his rampage after his white girlfriend dumped him for a black guy. Then he went “totes cuckoo” after his white communist girlfriend dumped him. He sent emails and faxes to her employer accusing her of possessing child porn and intentionally spreading herpes. Then melanin-addled reject took it up a notch by emailing the ADL, warning them that his girlfriend planned to make anti-Jewish bomb threats the following day. As it stands, Thompson and the Israeli teen arrested in March for making dozens of anti-Semitic bomb threats appear to be the primary perps of the Anti-Jew Bomb Threat Wave that terrorized America’s Semites and their dutiful enablers earlier this year. Thompson was sentenced to five years in federal prison late in December.

16. YVONNE NGUYEN
The first of three Asians on this list—no one can accuse me of not being ecumenical in who annoys me—Nguyen is a student at Villanova University who shaved her head to show solidarity with cancer patients. She even wrote a cute little essay for the school paper called “Shaving My Head: Oppression, Privilege and Power” in which she boasts about how the experience made her feel good about feeling bad about herself:

Shaving my head permitted me to focus and recognize not just my oppression and privilege, but also my power to change the circumstances for me and others….However, using one’s power comes with a caveat. One must forgo some of their undeserved privileges to provide justice for others. Are you willing to shave?

What I find very interesting is the fact that Nguyen wasn’t quite brave enough to go whole-hog and, say, expose herself to a brick of uranium and actually get cancer. Until she does that—meaning, until I see verifiable medical documentation that she has cancer—I will insist on calling her a poseur.

15. KELVIN HOLDSWORTH
A certified Anglican minister—a reliable source tells me he’s been dewormed and has his vaccination papers and everything—Kelvin Holdsworth takes the innately annoying name “Kevin” and amplifies the annoyance factor by tossing in an absolutely unnecessary “l,” which wastes tons of ink and probably has forced him throughout his life to explain that his first name isn’t Kevin.

Even though The Holy Bible makes quite clear that God hates rump-wranglers, Holdsworth recently pecked out a blog post called “How to change the Church of England,” he expresses his wish that England’s four-year-old Prince George will, shortly after reaching maturity, marry a dude.

From his grave, King Henry VIII can be heard muttering, “What a fag.”

14. GEORGE TAKEI
George Takei is so gay, flowers grow wherever he walks. But if you want to be gay and have a career in Hollywood—or, in Takei’s case, if your career is that you used to have a career in Hollywood—you have to toe the political line or risk being sent to the death camps. Because Takei was humiliated after the much manlier Donald Trump fired him from The Apprentice, he joins Tinseltown’s other Marching Morons in their nonstop pre-programmed Trump-bashing. In late 2016, Takei accused Trump of “defending the very culture that normalizes sexual assaults on women.” To his credit, Takei has never been accused of sexually assaulting a woman. But he has previously admitted to sexually assaulting men. And just like Dorothy Gale in a Kansas hurricane, Takei was swept up in this autumn’s #MeToo hoopla when a former male model—to clarify, he’s still a male to my knowledge, but he no longer does modeling—Scott Brunton claimed that in 1981, Takei drugged him unconscious and orally sodomized him. Never should have drugged and blown him, George. Never should have drugged and blown him.

13. LIZ PHIPPS SOEIRO
A lowly librarian with an inflated sense of moral purpose, Soeiro rebuffed First Lady Melania Trump’s gift to her library in Cambridge, MA of ten Dr. Seuss books. She sent the books back along with the following uppity message:

Thank you for the ten Dr. Seuss titles that you sent my school library in recognition of this year’s National Read a Book Day. (Sent second-day air, no less! That must have been expensive.)…we still struggle to close the achievement gap, retain teachers of color, and dismantle the systemic white supremacy in our institution….Another fact that many people are unaware of is that Dr. Seuss’s illustrations are steeped in racist propaganda, caricatures, and harmful stereotypes.

What makes this annoying is that I wish Dr. Seuss books were all that she claims they are.

12. JOSHUA STUART “PEPPER BALLS” CORBIN
This was the year when the media popularized and even lionized the loosely organized gaggle of mostly white and Jewish kids known as Antifa.” You may have heard of them—they refer to everything they don’t like as “fascist,” which magically enables them to justify committing violence against anyone they, in their historical illiteracy and emotional instability, choose to rubber-stamp as a “Nazi.” These AntiFarts made fools of themselves in several meaningful ways during 2017, most hilariously epitomized by the sight of Phoenix anti-Trump protester Joshua Stuart Corbin getting hit smack-dab in the groin with a riot policeman’s tear-gas canister. The canister was originally mistaken for pepper balls, which saddled Corbin with the unwanted moniker “Pepper Balls” for the rest of his life. While his balls were recovering, Corbin was arrested and charged with three felony counts of assault against a police officer and one misdemeanor count of unlawful assembly. Thank you, Mr. Pepper Balls—you provided us with the most Mike Judge moment in political protest all year.

11. SHIA LABOEUF
In many respects, 2017 was The Year of the Leftist Tantrum, and few looked as idiotic throwing their post-Trump Election diaper-fit as one-time Hollywood film star Shia Labeouf, who once made headlines for getting accidentally raped by a female attendee at his performance installation. In January he launched an art installation in Queens called “He Will Not Divide Us,” which consisted of little more than a camera that would film people brainlessly chanting “He Will Not Divide Us” until, presumably, Donald Trump was dead and we were no longer divided. But the whole mess quickly fell apart as Labeouf was arrested for assaulting a Trump supporter at the installation and multiple other Trump supporters gleefully sabotaged the event. Labeouf then moved “He Will Not Divide Us” To Albuquerque, where it was quickly shut down after shots were fired nearby. He then moved it to Tennessee, then the UK, each time getting thoroughly routed by 4channers and other Trumpkins. I predict that 2018 holds a lot more mental illness for him.

10. MAXINE WATERS
Congresswoman Maxine Waters has represented the same South LA district since Reconstruction. She lives in a white neighborhood and has never gone for more than five consecutive minutes without reminding everyone that she’s black. As unintelligent as she is self-righteous, she claimed in 2017 that Vladimir Putin invaded Korea, referred to Trump and his associates as “scumbags,” called the White House “the White Supremacists’ House,” and has repeatedly demanded for Trump’s impeachment based on little more than the fact that he has thin lips and almost invisible eyebrows. It is my sincere belief that Maxine Waters is a racist, and as everyone knows, I disavow racism not only because it is evil, but because it is unpopular.

9. JUSTIN TRUDEAU
He’s boyish, he’s shallow, he wears wacky hats while hoisting rainbow flags, and he recently approved a law that, according to Trudeau, makes it “illegal to discriminate based on gender identity or expression.” In other words, if you call someone a tranny, you might get tossed in the slammer. In 2017, he also told a TV interviewer that he’s “jealous” he isn’t an immigrant, because they are the true Canadians:

Anytime I meet people who got to make the deliberate choice, whose parents chose Canada, I’m jealous. Because I think being able to choose it, rather than being Canadian by default, is an amazing statement of attachment to Canada….You chose this country. This is your country more than it is for others because we take it for granted.

If, while snorkeling in the Bahamas, Justin Trudeau were to stub his toe on an AIDS fish and die, I would have no qualms with that.

8. KATHY GRIFFIN
This is what happens when ugly women get old—their personalities catch up. Seeking attention to revive a career that I suspect had relegated her to playing Indian casinos and lesbian weddings, Griffin infamously posed for a photo session back in May that showed her attempting a “this is serious shit” face while hoisting the bloodied head of our glorious and wonderful president that she had presumably decapitated. The backlash caused her to lose her gig cohosting CNN’s New Year’s Eve festivities alongside tiny grey-haired gaybird Anderson Cooper, a job which she held since 2009. She blamed her plight on “a bunch of white guys.” As a white guy writing on New Year’s Eve, I take great pleasure in imagining that she’s in great pain right now.

7. BILL NYE
Even though I have no proof that he’s a child molester, Bill Nye looks like one. To be fair, he also looks like a scientist, what with that white smock and his geeky mien. He has spent the past few years shilling for the climate-change globalists and provided two of 2017’s most anus-clenchingly cringeworthy moments on his Netflix show Bill Nye Saves the World. In a bone-breakingly awkward hip-hop ensemble dance number called “Sex Junk,” Nye’s dancers unscientifically claim that sexual dimorphism is a myth. In an animation called “Ice Cream Sexuality,” an uptight male vanilla cone is seduced into a multi-racial sex orgy. What does that have to do with science? I don’t know—ask the guy in the smock who looks like a child molester.

6. SCOTT WIENER
Scott Wiener is a California state senator who looks gayer than Liberace’s balls resting on Judy Garland’s head. I don’t know whether or not he’s HIV-positive or is merely on his way to one day becoming a bugman, but he recently sponsored a bill that downgraded the sick, murderous act of intentionally infecting someone with HIV from a felony to a misdemeanor. Apparently it’s “homophobic” to fear contracting a fatal illness, which kind of suggests that homosexuality is a fatal illness, so they may want to rethink that one.

5. JUNE CHU
June Chu? God bless you! Would you like a tissue?

Chu is the stuck-up dean at Pierson College with a slanted vagina who earlier in the year was placed on temporary leave after it was revealed she’d left several Yelp reviews where she sniffed disapprovingly at the “white trash” townies:

To put it quite simply: if you are white trash, this is the perfect night out for you…perfect for those low class folks who believe this is a real night out. (review of a Japanese restaurant)

I guess if you were a white person who has no clue what mochi is, this would be fine for you. (review of The Mochi Store)

As payment for her sins, I believe she should be forced to play the role of Mr. Yuinoshi in a local production of Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

4. SALLY BOYNTON BROWN
I believe that if there’s really a Civil War brewing in America, it will be not a race war, but rather one between Goodwhites and Badwhites—the former being urban and progressive, the latter being rural and traditional. There is not a single possible scenario in which a Goodwhite would favor a Badwhite over a nonwhite.

My Goodwhite of the Year award goes to Sally Boyntown Brown, who is not Brown although I am almost certain that she wishes she was. Instead, she is a white Idaho Democrat who tried and failed in 2017 to become the DNC’s Chairman after promising to “shut other white people down”:

My job is to listen and be a voice and shut other white people down when they want to interrupt. My job is to shut other white people down when they want to say, ‘Oh, no, I’m not prejudiced.’…White leaders in our party have failed. We have to accept that there is prejudice that exists within our own party….I’m a white woman, I don’t get it. My job is to make sure that [other whites] get that they have privilege….We have to, at the DNC, provide training. We have to teach them how to communicate, how to be sensitive, and how to shut their mouths if they are white.

In response, the DNC shut Brown down and selected some beaner-looking dude instead.

3. SHIRLEY HARROTT
If you actually believe in things such as facts and biology and chromosomes, Shirley Harrott is the only true man in a four-person Arizona family where all four members claim to be transgender. Given that trannies are such a slim slice of the population, I recently estimated that the odds of all four family members being switch-hitters is one in 771 million. Shirley’s “husband” is a man, and his two kids are a boy who claims he’s a girl and a girl who claims she’s a boy. It is my opinion that by fanning this delusion, Shirley is prepping his kids for a lifetime of confusion and depression. I think Shirley should be a man about all this, take the family by the horns, and for the love of God, stop calling himself Shirley.

2. MAJA SMREKAR
An aggressively homely Slovenian conceptual artist, Smrekar recently won a top prize at the Prix Ars Electronica after she breastfed a pug and fertilized her egg with a dog cell. Even worse, she tried justifying it by claiming her act of exhibitionistic bestiality was instead her “observation of zeitgeist through the so called thanatopolitical dimension of contemporary biopolitical practices.” Nah, you’re just a dirty pug-fucker.

1. BILL KRISTOL
Smirkin’ Bill is the only here who’s so annoying, he also made the list last year.

Sitting on his fat, lumpy, lazy ass while speaking at a videotaped seminar, the unjustifiably smug and eminently privileged son of the Godfather of Neoconservatism justified the displacement of America’s white working class:

Look, to be totally honest, if things are so bad as you say with the white working class, don’t you want to get new Americans in? Seriously, you can make the case—this is going on too long and this is too crazy, probably, and I hope this thing isn’t being videotaped or ever shown anywhere. Whatever tiny, pathetic future I have is going to totally collapse….[A]fter two or three generations of hard work everyone becomes kind of decadent, lazy, spoiled—whatever. Then, luckily, you have these waves of people coming in from Italy, Ireland, Russia, and now Mexico, who really want to work hard and really want to succeed….

Mr. Kristol, this here working-class white hopes that in 2018 you die from an exploding hemorrhoid on live television.