NASHVILLE INT’L AIRPORT — A Wyoming man walked through a TSA checkpoint with a raging erection on Tuesday, daring TSA officers and even fellow passengers to give him an invasive pat down.
“I’m next,” Warren Kelvin, 34, screamed as he pushed to the front of the security line. According to TSA officials, Kelvin had ingested two Viagra and wore sweatpants without boxers for his Southwest flight from Nashville to Phoenix.
“I thought he was carrying a baton in his pants,” said Amanda Watershed, second shift supervisor of the A Terminal at Nashville International Airport. “Nope… That was his penis.”
Even though TSA officials allowed Kelvin to initially pass through security without the controversial pat down, the passenger on more than one occasion got back in line until he felt that he had been thoroughly inspected. Kelvin finally got the invasive pat down by 38-year-old officer Duncan Allbright after 80 minutes and four trips through security.
“Even after we let him pass through he kept walking out of the terminal and getting back in line,” said Watershed. “Finally, Duncan had to bite the bullet for everyone and do a thorough screening of him in a private [security] room.”
Allbright, a 14-year veteran of airport security, announced his retirement shortly after Kelvin boarded the plane. “I’m going home to take a shower and make love to my wife,” said Allbright as he got into his car. “This job isn’t for me. I’ve suddenly lost my passion for touching strangers.”
U.S Homeland Security director Janet Napolitano dismissed concerns that more TSA officers would quit or that more travelers would take similar measures to get their “jollies”. “I am hoping this is an isolated incident. If flights were a lot cheaper, I could see more people doing this,” said Napolitano, “but with the cost of airplane fuel rising, I don’t think $560 roundtrip is a bargain price to get fondled.”
Calls to TSA headquarters went unanswered, as everyone there is just exhausted.
By Garrett Baldwin
Lynn, we ladies are going to have to get more proactive here, lol. A Colorado woman turned the tables on a TSA agent:
When I first read this I smiled to myself and thought it was a wee bit funny. But, on second thought, I do have them sometimes, I thought, how sad, this poor sole is very sick and lonely and unloved and a whole lot of other things are wrong in his head. Things like.... with words I can't put in here because the spellchecker in Word 2000 don't have them in its dictionary.
If he did this as a joke, well its done, ha ha, end of story.
If he did this to em-bare-ass the TSA and their madness and their quest to control the sheeple in America who have the ad-da-ass-ity to leave there pastures and get on a Air-o-plane and go to another pasture and visit other sheeples, well, its got to stop. The TSA seems to be desporate to control who travels and, if at all cost, keep Americans from even/ever leaving America and, heaven forbid, find out there is another lovely world outside the borders of America.
The man who quit his job rather than have to look at an erect 'peene', (Spanish word for penis) is some kind of hero, but sadly an unemployed hero. I hope someone helps him find a better higher paying job in some other industry. I would make him a T-shirt but..