Breaking News folks. Osama Bin Laden has been found! According to "terrorist hunter", Jew Rita Katz, her terrorist huntin' organization SITE Intel Group has detected and translated an intergalactic radio transmission coming from planet Pluto. The translation appeared as such: "It's me bitches, bad boy Bin Laden. To all American infidels..... BOO!" According to Rita Katz, the reason that the trillion dollar US defense/intelligence apparatus could not find Bin Laden in nine years is because they have been looking in the wrong place! It has been verified by a trusted SITE informant -- a drunk guy on a park bench in Botswana -- that Bin Laden escaped earth's atmosphere shortly after 9/11 in his space-ship, which was built by the North Koreans.

However, Mrs. Katz insists that Usama is armed and still represents a clear and present danger to America even though he is 5,913,520,000 km away. The reason, she suggests, is that he has obtained an insidious weapon -- the "Nuclear Pez Dispenser" which he obtained from the Martians on his way to Pluto. This device can hurl nuclear-armed gum-balls across the solar system at the speed of light. A redacted portion of the transmission has leaked and the translation is as follows: "There's no fucking toilet paper on this god-forsaken planet! There's shit EVERYWHERE! Where the fuck is Allah when you need him God dammit!?" The U.S. must now weaponize space to defeat this intergalactic terrorist threat!