1) Calling 911

You: Hello, I need to report a … um … HELLO?

Automated Phone System: Good evening. You have reached Emergency Services at Nine-One-One. For English, press one. Para espanol, oprima numero dos. If this is an emergency, please hang up, and dial Nine-One-One. Or visit our website at 911.gov.

If you’re calling about a crime in progress, press one. If you’re calling about your idiot neighbor cooking meth again, press two. If your house is on fire, the Fire Department is currently closed due to adjusted resource allocations. But you can press three for the Volunteer Fire Department. If nobody answers, please call Flo’s Lounge at 867-5309, and ask for Bob. If you need an ambulance, press four, or repeat the previous procedure, and ask for Bob.