Cops Investigate Crime Scene After Jilted Lover’s Fart Vengeance

March 31, 2016 by Joshua Scott Hotchkin 

Police in Laholm, Sweden were called to the scene of a viscious colonic attack that left one woman gasping in a haze of cabbage ass mist and Febreeze. According to 60ABC:

The man and the woman, whose names were not released to the public, had talked of having sex in a different occasion, but they are not in a relationship. According to the woman, the man visited her in her house with the desire to have sex with her. When she refused to indulge him, he simply farted and left.

“It smelled very bad in my flat,” the woman said in her police report.

The police spokesperson said that they had an obligation to check if criminal actions were involved. But the incident was not investigated further. The news just made it to the local papers.

Why were the police obligated to investigate? How far does that logic extend? Are there no accusations so ridiculous that police won’t show up to the scene fishing for a more profitable crime? Is this in the best interest of public safety or in the best interest of justifying police departments, officers and budgets?

The intrinsic nature of policing in Sweden, America and everywhere else is to create an incident out of the normality or nothingness of everyday life. Without such pointless busybody freedom filibustering, people would quickly notice that police don’t really do much for them. Responding to every bump in the night or wind in the pants is not a tactic for public safety, it is a tactic for protecting the agendas and interests of the institution of policing and those who profit from it.

Luckily, the local mainstream media picked up the incident and brought it to the attention of the world so that we can begin our arduous journey together as a species towards overcoming flatuence-related revenge one greasy puckered cis-rectum at a time! Since there’s nothing more important to discuss, anyway.