The world according to Marklar - Semi-Original Humor
Thoughts, quotes, ponderings and hallucinations
by Marklar
August 10th, 2009
ALL marriage is gay marriage – just ask any guy who’s been married for 20 years the last time he saw a vagina.
Religion is the meth-amphetamine of the masses, if it were an opiate you’d never see such hyperactive gyrations from TV evangelists.
Jell-O is nothing but Kool-aide with a hard-on.
If humans lived several hundred years the dinosaurs in congress and the senate would commonly be seen as adolescents instead of merely acting like it.
Nobody likes a tattle-tale but nobody ever tells on them either.
If crime doesn't pay why do business people keep running for public office?
If laughter is the best medicine why don’t we elect clowns to run the country,.. oh, uhm,.. never mind.
If a messy desk is a sign of a disorganized mind what does an empty desk signify?
If you go to a dollar store and everything costs a dollar, what the hell is up with the free market?
Two bits, four bits,.. if eight bits only equals a dollar why does a 64-bit computer cost hundreds of dollars instead of just $8.00.
If “life is unfair” rather than people then why is it that only people who are screwing you over who ever point that out?
If people find you uninteresting it’s probably because you are uninterested.
Why do people feel like losers if they go to a movie alone but complain about people talking to their friend, date or spouse during the film? Personally, I can sit still and NOT talk to my friends and loved ones whether they are present or not.
Does Ann Coulter really have an Adam’s apple or is that just a conjoined twin desperately trying to escape?
If sadists like inflicting pain and masochists like receiving pain why don’t sadists just chain up masochists and then LEAVE THEM ALONE!
Why do Christian proselytizers who wake me up at 6:00 in the morning with a hangover preach AGAINST homosexuality when they obviously enjoy the feeling of my boot up their ass?
The united states has enough nuclear weapons to destroy the world six times over,.. if used properly.
If it’s okay to say feces it’s okay to say shit, end of story.
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
If marijuana is a gateway drug is a handshake gateway sex?
It’s not the idea of intelligent life elsewhere in the universe that I have reservations about but rather the idea that an advanced species would travel half way across the galaxy just to stick something up some farmer’s butt.
Eternity is nothing more than time on an ego trip.
Children are a sexually transmitted disease.
If the universe was intelligently designed why are coconuts so damn hard to open?
I may be stupid but I aspire to be a moron some day.
People often tell me to have a nice day, I feel obliged to tell them that I’ve made other plans.
Employment numbers in the United States would be much more accurate if they included all the people at Wal-Mart.
If giving a woman money for sex is prostitution what is giving a woman a diamond ring for the same reason?
Cigarettes are the worst drug ever because they DON’T get you high.
My credit history is not a sign of my irresponsibility it is a sign of what a cheapskate my LAST employer was, so why is it a part of your employment screening? Kick down the ducats and the problem will take care of itself.
Why ask me to piss in a cup when I’ll happily tell you that I am baked RIGHT NOW!
Apparently I am the only person who doesn’t love Raymond.
“Honestly ociffer the guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a bunch of times before I hit him!”
To passenger in my car: “Hang on, I saw this on a cartoon but I’m pretty sure we can do it.”
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather instead of screaming and crying like the passengers in his car.
Picking up women is easy, it’s all the screaming, biting and scratching while I’m trying to carry them home that’s a real pain.
For months after I first saw the movie Psycho I felt REALLY creepy every time I killed a girl in the shower.
There’s two kinds of people in the world, those who think there’s two kinds of people in the world and those who don’t.
A man should always wear a condom to prevent sexually transmitted diseases, in fact I’M wearing one right NOW.
I can’t use ribbed condoms because they give me corduroy flashbacks from being a kid in the 70’s,.. vip, vip, vip!
How can muggle be a word when people still argue that aint aint?
I think my inner child just threw up.
When people put the cheese on the bottom side of the burger it is clearly the work of Satan.
It sucks when you’re sick as a dog but you’re not stuffed up and don’t sound sick - because then you have to call in to work and FAKE sounding sick even though you really ARE.
Copyright ©2009, Your Mamma
by Marklar
August 10th, 2009
ALL marriage is gay marriage – just ask any guy who’s been married for 20 years the last time he saw a vagina.
Religion is the meth-amphetamine of the masses, if it were an opiate you’d never see such hyperactive gyrations from TV evangelists.
Jell-O is nothing but Kool-aide with a hard-on.
If humans lived several hundred years the dinosaurs in congress and the senate would commonly be seen as adolescents instead of merely acting like it.
Nobody likes a tattle-tale but nobody ever tells on them either.
If crime doesn't pay why do business people keep running for public office?
If laughter is the best medicine why don’t we elect clowns to run the country,.. oh, uhm,.. never mind.
If a messy desk is a sign of a disorganized mind what does an empty desk signify?
If you go to a dollar store and everything costs a dollar, what the hell is up with the free market?
Two bits, four bits,.. if eight bits only equals a dollar why does a 64-bit computer cost hundreds of dollars instead of just $8.00.
If “life is unfair” rather than people then why is it that only people who are screwing you over who ever point that out?
If people find you uninteresting it’s probably because you are uninterested.
Why do people feel like losers if they go to a movie alone but complain about people talking to their friend, date or spouse during the film? Personally, I can sit still and NOT talk to my friends and loved ones whether they are present or not.
Does Ann Coulter really have an Adam’s apple or is that just a conjoined twin desperately trying to escape?
If sadists like inflicting pain and masochists like receiving pain why don’t sadists just chain up masochists and then LEAVE THEM ALONE!
Why do Christian proselytizers who wake me up at 6:00 in the morning with a hangover preach AGAINST homosexuality when they obviously enjoy the feeling of my boot up their ass?
The united states has enough nuclear weapons to destroy the world six times over,.. if used properly.
If it’s okay to say feces it’s okay to say shit, end of story.
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
If marijuana is a gateway drug is a handshake gateway sex?
It’s not the idea of intelligent life elsewhere in the universe that I have reservations about but rather the idea that an advanced species would travel half way across the galaxy just to stick something up some farmer’s butt.
Eternity is nothing more than time on an ego trip.
Children are a sexually transmitted disease.
If the universe was intelligently designed why are coconuts so damn hard to open?
I may be stupid but I aspire to be a moron some day.
People often tell me to have a nice day, I feel obliged to tell them that I’ve made other plans.
Employment numbers in the United States would be much more accurate if they included all the people at Wal-Mart.
If giving a woman money for sex is prostitution what is giving a woman a diamond ring for the same reason?
Cigarettes are the worst drug ever because they DON’T get you high.
My credit history is not a sign of my irresponsibility it is a sign of what a cheapskate my LAST employer was, so why is it a part of your employment screening? Kick down the ducats and the problem will take care of itself.
Why ask me to piss in a cup when I’ll happily tell you that I am baked RIGHT NOW!
Apparently I am the only person who doesn’t love Raymond.
“Honestly ociffer the guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a bunch of times before I hit him!”
To passenger in my car: “Hang on, I saw this on a cartoon but I’m pretty sure we can do it.”
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather instead of screaming and crying like the passengers in his car.
Picking up women is easy, it’s all the screaming, biting and scratching while I’m trying to carry them home that’s a real pain.
For months after I first saw the movie Psycho I felt REALLY creepy every time I killed a girl in the shower.
There’s two kinds of people in the world, those who think there’s two kinds of people in the world and those who don’t.
A man should always wear a condom to prevent sexually transmitted diseases, in fact I’M wearing one right NOW.
I can’t use ribbed condoms because they give me corduroy flashbacks from being a kid in the 70’s,.. vip, vip, vip!
How can muggle be a word when people still argue that aint aint?
I think my inner child just threw up.
When people put the cheese on the bottom side of the burger it is clearly the work of Satan.
It sucks when you’re sick as a dog but you’re not stuffed up and don’t sound sick - because then you have to call in to work and FAKE sounding sick even though you really ARE.
Copyright ©2009, Your Mamma
Comment
-
Comment by Marklar on August 11, 2009 at 3:08am
-
I have to admit I never did say that though I thought it many times. Many of my most recent interviews were stopped by me after asking them pointedly whether they did any business with the military or with any companies which include their products in any devices sold to the US military. That was about a year and a half ago though and I am now poor but happily unemployed and not looking. On the other hand I imagine the rest of the conversation might go something like this:
"You are?"
"What?"
"You're high?"
"Yeah, on mar-ee-jay-wanna."
"Is that all you do?"
"Of course,... well, at work."
"And do you think I should give you a job after telling me this?"
"Yep!"
"Why's that?"
"Exactly." (Nodding head knowingly)
"What?"
"What."
"Well, in any case I think this interview is over."
"It is?"
"Yes."
"Wanna do something?"
"Huh?"
"Y'know, grab a beer, order some chinese,.. maybe smoke a joint?"
"Your not serious."
"Course I am, you scheduled like a fucking hour for this interview didn't you? You've got time,.. and I don't even have a job so I'm free."
"Get out."
",......................................... can I touch you?"
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Comment by Tara on August 11, 2009 at 1:35am
-
LMAO....keep em coming Mark! If you can't laugh at the stupidity in life then you are bones in the ground....dead!
"Why ask me to piss in a cup when I’ll happily tell you that I am baked RIGHT NOW!" LOL....have you ever used that one with your friendly piss in the cup nazi's?????? I would love to be a fly on the wall for that one!!!!!
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Comment by peter b dunn on August 11, 2009 at 1:16am
-
thanks for the laugh, levity and humour are a great distcration from the rest of the serious B S going on at the moment, have another bottle and come up with some more pls..:-) lol
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