You’ve been planning to hike and camp out for a while now. You’ve got that romantic notion about being in the calm and freedom of nature, perhaps without acknowledging the pitfalls. You were supposed to meet people and they didn’t show or you’re a real live lone wolf. You didn’t bring a gun either. Smooth move. Yeah, those guns make you feel nervous and it just might kill someone on its own recognizance. So, here you are out in God’s country. The smell of the pines, the crunch of pine needles underfoot, and the awesome canvass that all the greenery paints before your eyes.

Famous last words

Of course, you’ve conveniently forgotten about the possibility of maybe spraining an ankle or falling and injuring yourself. Maybe a snake bit? Nah, no cougars around here, right? Yeah, you got it figured out already, and if you happen to get into a pickle you can always wriggle out of any snag since your love of nature will overcome obstacles, you know kind of like a couple who falls in love and thinks their love can overcome anything like toxic in-laws? Sure! Check!

Speculation

So, it’s been a while now as you trudge ahead on the main trail wondering where you’re going to spend the night since the sun is going down fast. Should be some camping sites with other campers nearby in case a bear gets too close or smells the food you cooked over the camp fire. Oh those damned horse flies! Oh, and tonight it’ll be those mosquitoes too! Forgot about that! Well, you can start fishing for some trout or catfish in a little while.

Oh oh!

The sun transforms into a reddish ball of fire as it loses its battle with the night sky and you haven’t found that camping site yet. You were sure it was just down the path a ways! Here in the twilight it seems all the noise got sucked out of the air! There’s a sudden realization that normal sounds just stopped, like no cricket chirps, no birds singing either. That’s kind of funny. In the uneasy silence comes a sudden change! A knock in the distance as if some beefy major league hitter just took an aluminum bat and hit a homer! WACK! And another. WACK! Hmm, that’s funny. Who would be doing that way out here in the remote part of a national forest? Kind of unsettling!

Beginning of your worst nightmare

Another wood knock and it’s getting closer? Probably some lumber jack playing around, or maybe some kind who likes beating against tree stumps! Really? How many times are you going to rationalize? Thankfully, no more wood knocks. Now there’s a rustling sound of extremely heavy feet coming your way pardner! As John Wayne used to say, “Better watch out Pilgrim.”

How did this happen?

Now as you walk rather nervously it seems that someone or something is pacing you! Walking parallel to your position, but you just can’t see them, they’re hidden by the dense brush and saplings to your right! Damn, should have at least brought some pepper spray! Right now, a sudden loud noise might just make you lose control of your bowels in those special tactical pants you’re wearing! By now, you’re asking yourself, “How the hell did I get myself into this?” However, the surrounding forest doesn’t answer that, just watches silently.

Reasoning is useless

Whatever it is or whoever it is must be quite heavy and walking around on two legs as far as you can tell! So, extremely big heavy people walk around off trail in the late evening all the time? Don’t be a schmuck! You’re in deep sheet Mister Man of the woods, better keep your shit together! So you call out, “Is anybody there! Hey you!”

Piecing the puzzle together

Only the heavy breathing of a huge pair of lungs like maybe a boar or a moose. Funny, all this time you didn’t see any big game at all like someone or something ran them off! Oh, perish the thought. Don’t get paranoid now Buddy! You came all the way out here thinking you were Jeremiah Johnson? You don’t even have a firearm! Oh, that’s right you got that big Bowie Knife for carving at sticks and doing manly things with. Just like Jim Bowie who supposedly killed a bear with his big knife. Do you wanna get lucky with whoever or whatever is paralleling you now?

Infrasound?

An earth shattering screech splits the air molecules all around you! It’s louder than anything you’ve heard since the last 4^th of July fireworks display! Wow, did that disorient you! Now you feel alike an antelope inches from the jaws of a lion! The adrenaline of fear is now pumping through your body and sweat is running down your forehead! Now a large dark figure emerges from the foliage about as tall as a basketball player and more stout than an NFL defensive end! Damn! You can forget about bowel control now! It’s got an evil glare in its eyes that says, “Better get your ass out of my backyard punk!”

Nervous breakdown?

You take off running like you did when your dog broke his leash and took off down the street only you’ve soiled yourself like a true hero! As you run for all you’re worth you can hear the hot, moist breath, of that monster practically breathing down your neck as you stretch your legs as far as they’ll go with each stride trying to stay just out of reach of your furry forest friend! “This just can’t be!” you tell yourself. “This must be a dream! I gotta wake up!” But, there’s no waking up Dipstick. You’re going to have to keep on running like an Olympic Champion!

The honorable retreat

They say adrenaline makes time and motion slow agonizingly down as you suck your last breath into your lungs wondering what death at the hands of a gorilla like creature will be like! Finally! There’s the trailhead entrance, and suddenly just as it all began everything is silent again. You stop at your car and bend over exhaustedly sucking in air to your oxygen starved lungs while your side aches and your legs quiver! Looking over your shoulder you see nothing at the moment. Just a minute ago you were sure that you would be the next fresh dinner for this hairy acquaintance! Somehow, he stopped! You get into your car. God, if you had dropped your keys while running for your life that would have been par for the course, but they’re making that jingling sound as you stick’em into the ignition with your shaking hand!

Parting is such bittersweet sorrow!

Quickly, you throw it into reverse and stomp on the gas pedal! As you’re turning away from the park entrance you catch a glimpse of your hulking, dark hairy, friend from the forest staring at you as you drive off still hyperventilating like a girl scout out selling cookies who got chased by the neighbor’s dog! Congratulations, according to Sasquatch etiquette, you were just escorted out of his territory! You can kiss the ground when you get home!

A note from the author

You may have been convinced that Sasquatch or one of the many names it’s known by, is some benevolent spirit of the forest as some Indian folklore insinuates, or that they are just docile and magnanimous beings who just walk around without clothes on and have the body hair gene. Ask yourself, what do we supposedly civilized human beings do whenever someone invades our space or territory? Why our air forces launch jet fighters to intercept a perceived threat. The borders of our nations are guarded and barb wired. So, why would we expect anything to be different with semi-humanoid bi-pedal entities who might just regard us a a nuisance if not a threat? Just a thought, Pilgrim.