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Comment by DTOM on August 22, 2012 at 9:10am

Pregnant Woman Relieved To Learn Her Rape Was Illegitimate

August 20, 2012 | ISSUE 48•34 |

http://www.theonion.com/articles/pregnant-woman-relieved-to-learn-h...

LITCHFIELD, CT—Though she was initially upset following the brutal sexual assault last month that left her pregnant, victim Martha Byars told reporters she was relieved Sunday to learn from Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO) that her ability to conceive her unwanted child proves she was not, in fact, legitimately raped.

“Being violently coerced into having sex was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, so I take comfort in knowing it wasn’t actually rape,” Byars said of the vicious encounter in which she was accosted in an alleyway by a stranger, pinned to the ground, and penetrated against her will for 25 minutes. “It was absolutely horrific—I felt violated in the worst way imaginable—but thanks to Congressman Akin, I now realize it must, at some level, have been consensual after all.”

“Thank God for that,” Byars added. “I’m so relieved to know that my child’s father, the man who muffled my screams as he forcefully penetrated me over and over and left me hemorrhaging to death on the street, is not a rapist.”

Explaining that the Republican senatorial candidate’s statements had “really opened her eyes” by helping her understand the workings of her own reproductive system, Byars said she only wishes she could have known at the time of her near-fatal assault that the female body has ways to shut down conception during cases of tried-and-true rape.

“Now that I know the truth, I realize none of the telltale signs of legitimate rape were there at all,” mused Byers, noting that her body did not in any way shut down but in fact continued to register excruciating pain throughout the entire cruel ordeal. “I must have at least subconsciously wanted it—otherwise, the sperm wouldn’t have been able to enter my body.”

“Not only is this knowledge a blessing for me,” she continued, “but it will no doubt bring great hope to the tens of thousands of women who are forcibly and savagely impregnated in the United States every year.”

(Via the ever-awesome http://www.backwoodshome.com/blogs/ClaireWolfe/)

Comment by DTOM on August 21, 2012 at 4:57am

Oh, so strip clubs are now the cause of rape? I wonder what other 'links' the geniuses will pull out of their nethers, as 'causes' for this and other crimes.

Of course, once again, the solution is taxation (or should that be state mandated theft) of business and clients, while insinuating that all those that frequent such establishments are 'potential' rapists.

How exactly is this a victory for rape victims?

The victory would be in arming women to stop attempted rape/ sexual attacks from being carried out in the first place...oh wait, then you wouldn't need 'THEM'

They answer in their own words "This bill helps to keep [lights on and doors open,] jobs filled [and responders trained.]"

So essentially women's rights to self defense and self preservation are overshadowed by Chicago's authorities 'need' to create a 'service' and employment for their supporters.

Comment by Friday Woodlans-Sprite on August 20, 2012 at 2:03pm

Pole taxes never work.