Wrote this one a few years ago too. One of my essays in ENGL 103. (can ya tell I'm bored, haha)

An alternate theory of origins:

As I was sitting on my back deck one night with my pipe, gazing upon all the heavenly glory above, I realized that we as humans really haven’t the slightest idea of how our species came to be. Sure we have theories, but nothing concrete. Considering the validity of existing theories, I concluded that anything spewed forth with a minuscule amount of intelligence could be considered. So now, with this in mind, I shall spew forth.

I believe that we were implanted on this planet either as an observational experiment, or to perpetuate the existence of our original species. Our ancestors realizing that at some point, their planet would become uninhabitable, decided to proceed with this experiment. Now I know thus far this reads as a 2-bit sci-fi novel, but so does the Christian version of origins, so just chill. Now, I find it strange that for millions and millions of years, this planet was inhabited by colossal creatures, and then one day, boom. Something wipes them out and here we are. It’s as if something or someone planned it.

Chances are that if our ancestors are from another planet, the atmosphere was completely different, making habitation of a new planet very difficult. Now, how does one bypass this problem? One would have to reduce the composition of their species to the very basic components necessary to function and let it re-evolve in the new habitat. Sounds far out huh? Well, according to Professor Michael Behe of Lehigh University in Pennsylvania there are key cellular structures in us and on our planet that are irreducibly complex, indicating intelligence in the design. Now, who’s to say that our ancestors/implanters didn’t take their cellular composition and redesign it to evolve on planet Earth?

Now the obvious problem with my theory thus far is that there is no irrefutable evidence of extraterrestrial life. The most I can offer in spite of this is what is known as the Drake Equation. The Drake Equation was developed by Frank Drake in 1961 as a way to focus on the factors which determine how many intelligent, communicating civilizations there may be in our galaxy. The Drake Equation is: N = N * fp x ne x fl x fi x fc x fL. Explaining this equation in its entirety is way, way, way beyond the spectrum of this essay. The most I can say about it is that, given current estimates for all the variables in the equation, the number of intelligent, communicating civilizations in our galaxy is right around one thousand. So, to summarize this paragraph, the odds of the existence of intelligent civilizations in our galaxy versus none are about one thousand to one.

If we were implanted here by an extraterrestrial intelligence, chances are that we are not the only ones. These beings, realizing that there was a chance that implantation would fail, probably tried this experiment on other planets. So I highly doubt that we are alone here. Why then haven’t we heard from them? Well, I believe that we have, but the information is being held from the general public. The effects of this information on the general public would probably be most undesirable, so I do to a certain extent agree with the decision to withhold this information. So, why then do I believe that we have already been contacted? Because, in my opinion, the odds of contact are way too high to think otherwise. I mean look at it, as mentioned in the previous paragraph, the odds of there being intelligent life in our galaxy is about one thousand to one, which means there is a damn good chance that at least one of those civilizations has technology that is equal to or more advanced than ours, and have successfully attempted contact.

Not only do I believe that contact has already occurred, I also believe that some of our “implanters” are here among us. I mean, if they survived the death of their home planet, or if their planet never died in the first place, than wouldn’t they want to check up on us? I believe that they are here in the form of the most elite of our society, the illuminati if you will. I believe that they are in control of the world’s governments, the media, and about anything else that influences our daily lives. This brings me to my next point, distractions.

In our lives we are flooded with distractions from observing our existence. These distractions include, but are not limited to; television, video games, pop-culture, and pro sports. I believe that all of these things are exaggerated to the point that they cascade reality. Now, how does this tie into my theory? If we were implanted here as an observational experiment, then given the absence of our implanters, it is obvious that the experiment is a Naturalistic observation. A Naturalistic observation is simply an observational experiment in which the observer remains unobtrusive and hidden. If at any time the subjects realize that they are part of an experiment, the whole thing is screwed. So, to conclude this paragraph, we are being flooded with distractions to divert our attention away from the experiment.

To conclude, I believe that the odds of there being other intelligent civilizations in our galaxy and of them making contact with us are too high to dismiss, and that the probability of them creating us, either as an experiment or to perpetuate the species, is as plausible as other well accepted theories of origins. I’m not stating this theory as fact. It is what it is, just a theory. I leave it to you, the reader, to make conclusions based on the information presented herein.

Haha, I don't really agree with a lot of this one any more, especially with Michael Behe (hahahahahaha). Just figured it'd give someone something to stumple upon and check out.