[SATIRE] By Andrew Paul

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"Good morning and yom tov, fellow Jewish blood brethren! On behalf of all of us here on the Supreme Council, I’d like to welcome each and every one of you to 5778’s Annual Rosh Hashanah Satanic Conclave. It’s been quite the year for string-pulling, shadow financing — hell, just for general machinations overall — and I want to first thank you all for really putting in the extra work in kicking off what I think will be our greatest Western Cultural Purge to date. I mean this from the bottom of my heart: we couldn’t have done this without your tireless scheming.

In terms of public outreach, I think our Hate Crime Hoax Unit did a particularly bang-up job. According to the forged data they supplied to the media and other outlets, anti-Semitic “occurrences” have soared across the board. In New York City, we convinced the NYPD of a 110% increase in reported incidents within the first two months of the gentiles’ 2017 alone! Great work, guys. This has done a fantastic job of really throwing the general public off our trail while we further our conquest of American society. I hear that many of them actually think this is some of the highest levels of anti-Jewish sentiment since before 1933’s Great Hoax! Incredible work.

I know that sometimes, at first glance, these all might not seem like the most straightforward approaches to overthrowing capitalism. Heck, some of our choices might sound plain counter-intuitive, bordering on nonsensical. But that, my brothers and sisters, is the key to our success after all these generations. Dizzying plots and logistically inconceivable feats of conniving are our matzoh and butter, people! And, if I may be so bold, I predict that 5778 will be the year it all falls into place for us. Now, let’s top off our goblets of Christian babies’ blood and raise a toast to this past year and all its successes. Praised be to Mammon!"

[SATIRE] hah