Why all the talk about this inner reality? Even in a story (or someplace) in AA's Big Book it say's, ultimately the answer to our quest, on the spiritual journey, will be found "in us". What's this thing that's in us? Why do the Yogi's and Guru's tell us to seek the truth by turning our focus inward? When I was in school I never heard anything about this. I heard, "If you don't do as the other kids do, there's something wrong with you and you'll continue to get into trouble". If there's something in us that can aid us, why isn't it first on the list of things to teach?

No one ever mentioned, that I recall, that I exist in a world made up of vibrational energy. Actually I think a few hippies tried to tell me but by that time I was so deep in the drug bucket I didn't pay much attention to them - I didn't believe them. If what they were saying was true, it stands to reason that, someone would have mentioned it before. Besides, I was looking for an escape towards something resembling peace of mind. How could a world of vibrational energy help? What advantage would there be to understanding the structure of life only to die in Vietnam?

I went along like this, listening to everything - doing nothing. I did this for as long as I could physically tolerate it. Then - I decided to find out what was going on. My main problem, as a human, was the constant thought - none of this makes any sense. People would try and tell me stories that would help me - stories that didn't make any sense. I was convinced at this point that no one knew what was going on.

Then I got some different input. I got books by - Emmett Fox, J.Krishnimurta, Alan Watts and others and set off on my chosen quest. After much reading and contemplation I came to the conclusion that (1) these ideas/stories made some sense, there was something there (2) I still wasn't truly "sold" because - how could they know what they were talking about? Especially Emmett Fox, who went as far as to list the aspects of God. How did he find this out? Who did he ask? So (3) I still didn't see how understanding any of this would make my life better....

I looked at Sigmund Freud, and Wilhelm Reich, and Carl Jung. Here I found good stories that made perfect sense. these stories were explaining what I was seeing. They also seemed to be making these observations a little closer to home. They were studying humans and saying, this is what they're doing and this, we suppose, is why. Then they did things to find out if their ideas stood up to a test. It's my assessment - they were right.

Still - This doesn't change anything. Although it did make it possible for a system of mass hypnosis to be turned loose on the unsuspecting citizen. But I wasn't done. My questions weren't answered and although I gained some peace that came with this additional clarity - Now What?

At some point I got a hold of ideas like this:

"There is evidence to suggest that other worlds or dimensions exist just beyond the range of our normal perception, but we remain unaware of them because our minds are not objectively conscious at these higher levels. Our normal level of consciousness is restricted in some way, preventing us from tuning in to these subtler realms. If you have young children you might have noticed them looking a things that don’t appear to be there or talking to “imaginary friends”. Very young children can actually see into these hidden worlds, but they lose the ability as they grow older."

Hmmm...Now this could be the case. I'd known for sometime that, not only was thought a very limited tool in discovering anything other than how to build a bridge, it was also the most annoying thing in my life. In fact, understanding what I do now, it's the only annoying thing in life. period. All the dumbass things I have ever been annoyed with were the result of some human - thinking.

What is it that I'm really after? It's this: To understand what's going on and to enjoy myself. Well, wait a minute buster (they say), it's not all fun and games here. Why is that? Well, we have to eat, somebodies gotta put food on the table and a roof over our heads. Uh...right, we live on a planet that grows stuff, without coaxing, and there is enough rock lying around to build everyone a place to stay. Well (they say) all that takes money. Ahhh.....so, once again, it's a system that someone "thought up" that's making it so goofy. It's not a lack of food or shelter, but a lack of money fouling our Earthy Nest.

So now I've established for myself that thinking is not working. It interferes with my goal in life, which is to enjoy myself. But up till now I don't see where I can turn for assistance. We have everything one can think of, in the way of, systems, religions, government-isms, spiritual practices and the like. But nothing changes. Thousands of years of human nature seeking a way to enjoy itself and we have what we have. Which is, for the most part, no different from any past civilization. Barely anything that could be seen as progress or change. So the help isn't showing up from outside, and it's certainly not going to come from more thinking....that leaves...inside?

I am convinced that what we are seeking is, what we might refer to as, inside. What that help is - is what we are. The main obstacle in our path is "our thinking". It seems incapable of fathoming these waters. But how would a person go about looking for something without the aid of thought? Maybe - looking for - is the wrong notion. In the sense that we don't look for what is already found. It may be that looking itself takes us in the wrong direction. OK, so I stop looking and quit thinking and - what? I might suggest that we examine this concept: Can we find that which causes our hearts to beat? I sense that we are in search of this - thing - and it's already found. It's us. That which operates a million bodily processes simultaneously is us and this is our guide to understanding. We are the guides we're looking for. So if we stop looking and start listening? Once again I'm going to just stop writing - in what might seem the middle of the story. It only feels like the middle of the story if we think the answer is in the story - it's that thinking thing again...