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Comment by scotty michele brown on July 21, 2014 at 12:17am

The tragedy of it all is missing them so terribly when they won't come around after you cut them off. They still hurt their family even when they aren't there. We are denied the love, companionship, and comfort of our family member.

Comment by Tara on July 20, 2014 at 12:06pm

Yep, stop bailing them out. I have a brother-in-law who burned every last bridge that he had with family... even lost his kids because of his drug addiction. No ones around anymore to bail him out or allow him into their lives until he cleans up his act. I think they call it tough love because it isn't the easiest thing to do but for sanity sake, it must be done.

Comment by scotty michele brown on July 19, 2014 at 9:30pm

Tara, what a kind-hearted person you must be. That was a very compassionate answer. Because I posted this blog on another site where people know me personally, I altered the facts a bit so nobody would easily guess who I am talking about. They may have a pretty good idea, but not know for sure.

However, the basic idea of this blog relays my experiences very well. I am 49 years old. I look at my life. The care I took raising my children with no help from their pothead, mostly unemployed father. My youngest child is addicted to meth. He was introduced to it in 11th grade and went from a honors student to a 23 year old addict who I recently kicked out. I brought him home AGAIN to live with me and try to get clean. He would sleep for a few days, go party for days, come home to rest up and do it all over.

My older son moved back in with me after the younger one moved out. He and his girlfriend were behind on their bills. Of course, while she went to work, he and my two year old grandson would sleep most of the day. They stayed up all night, my son stoned and playing video games while my grandson played by himself.

All of these people, or people like them, are in my life. It is time for me to stop bailing them out and feeling their pain. They don't give a crap about the pain they have put me through. It's time to stop giving a crap about theirs.

Comment by Tara on July 19, 2014 at 7:23pm

Hello Scotty,

I'm in no way condoning all of the above behaviors, but I think one needs to step inside an addicts shoes first to understand the why's. Drug, alcohol, gambling, overeating, etc.., are only symptoms. Behind all addictions there is a back story... a reason why.

My grandfather, who passed away many years ago had a very hard life. He came from a very abusive home and to escape it, signed himself up to enlist in the army to fight in WW2. It wasn't until many years after the fact that I found out that he lied about his age to get in. He was only 16 at the time. He was a WW2 vet who saw and experienced much death, destruction and despair. I can only imagine what impact that would have on his life.

After many years of war, he finally came back to civilian life. He married and eventually had children. My Grandpa and Grandma went through 2 miscarriages and also the tragedy of losing 2 infant children; one 6 mo's and the other 9 mo's. One child died of spinal meningitis and the other from dysentery. My grandfather had the painful experience of having one of the children die right in his arms on the way to the hospital.

With that being said, how does one deal with all that tragedy without going mad or escaping the overwhelming pain of a life he never had asked for by medicating. He just didn't know how to deal with his pain. It was too overwhelming.

My grandfather was a hardcore binge drinker who would disappear for days on end. He did make life for his family very hard and it didn't help that my grandmother had severe mental issues. My mom and her sisters life back then was very unstable, chaotic and painful for them because of it. My grandfather was not a bad person. He just didn't know how to cope with life. So he used alcohol to escape. And the vices used to cope are the symptoms of not dealing with pain, fear, loneliness, anger, frustration, depression and anxiety.

Again, I am in no way condoning this all, I'm just saying that it's hard to move on when family dynamics are at play. The viscous cycle of addiction, abuse and disconnection passes down from generation to generation. And the pain still lingers.

All I know is that I can't point the finger at anyone, even those family members, friends the Govt, ect... that have harmed or hurt me without also pointing the finger back at myself. We all need to take personal responsibility over our own lives, try to learn forgiveness and keep keeping on.

We are the only ones that can break the cycle of addiction by making the right choices for ourselves. That is the only way.