Depressed rant

I don't like talking to other people about my problems or feeling anymore. I guess that part of me has been beaten into submission at this point. So why not write it out? I don't know anyone from this place in person and frankly could give a shit less what someone I don't know thinks about me.

It's just the same dumb shit you hear all the time, life isn't turning out how I'd hoped. My parents pretty much left me to raise myself. Never heard them talk about college or doing good in school. Just heard my mom bitch about how everyone else on the planet is just a bunch of assholes. I figured I'd be a famous guitarist. Hahaha. Famous in Dowagiac Michigan aint famous. Sure the fuck doesn't feel famous, or pay like it.

I wonder what I would have been like if my parents had given a shit about me and focused my attention on academics and athletics like parents should. I wonder. Last year I decided to teach myself algebra. I only knew basic arithmetic. In two months I could solve a quadradic equation in my head. Maybe I should have been a genious like my dad. A head honcho engineer flying to and fro, country to country, porking foriegn women and ignoring my family. Year before last I quit smoking after ten years. Within a few months I could run close to 10 miles before stopping. I tried tennis for my first time last year and after three games could easily beat my buddy who had been playing for years. I can master almost anything I put my hand to, and I have with several things. I'm pretty renown in my area for several things, mainly guitar. And it's gotten me so far, now I clean shit for a living. I take care of people, wipe theirs ass, clean their dick, kiss their ass, and I make less than $13 and hour.

Why not go to school? Been trying that for a few years now. Got a couple classes under my belt but it's next to impossible when you have a full time job, 2 kids, and a fiancee. And there's no government assistance for people in my situation, people who want to work hard and get ahead. If I was a minority breeder I'd get a free apartment, free utilities, foodstamps, and god only know what else. But I'm a young, white, driven guy with a family. Fuck you, you only get a little bit of foodstamps.

So I wonder what I could have become. I wonder what is to be. I guess all I can do is survive and do my best to maintain my sanity, and give my kids the direction and attention my parents negated me.

Maybe I'm just being selfish. The country I grew up loving is crumbling in shambles. People are living in tent cities outside of our major cities. Americans are being poisoned and diseased by the FDA, At least I have my health, for now.

Maybe I'm just a selfsih dick for thinking that someone of my caliber, my natural talents, my god given skills deserves better than this. Maybe I'm an asshole for feeling shit on, or maybe I just forgot to wash my hands after that last retard.

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Comment by Gilgamesh on April 12, 2010 at 1:17am: I'm starting to come out of my funk. I haven't let myself read anything at What Really Happened in about a week, and I've been avoiding any kind of news. I figure once I get this back under my control, then I'll allow myself to play catch-up once a week or so, but for now, I can't do it. I literally can not take anymore political BS or deal with the emotions that come along with the truth. I'm taking a well earned vacation from this....

Comment by Tara on April 9, 2010 at 1:11am: Chin up, eyes wide open and putting one foot in front of the other is sometimes the only thing we can do to keep our spirts alive. There are many things that I wished that would have turned out differently for me in my life.... but then again, there's a mountain of knowledge that I gained from the many trials and woes that I have been through. We are all where we are supposed to be and by the grace of God we have the capacity to embrace our soul mission once again and rise up and march on.

Keep hope alive friend and remember that you are never alone!

Comment by Gilgamesh on April 9, 2010 at 12:09am: Thanks everyone. Honestley I've been a mess latley. Knowing what I know and being in the position that I'm in, I feel like a caged beast. I just want to grab people by their faces and scream "can't you see what's going on!?!?" And it eats me up inside. WRH used to be my absolute favorite website, now I can't bear to look at it. At first it was cool knowing the truth, like I was part of an exclusive club, but the more I learned, the more I thought about it, the more of a burden it became. On top of that I feel like I've been totally robbed of the life I should have had. I'm working my ass off to better myself. I started a guitar repair business and that was going pretty good for a while, but as the economy pinches people, I lose customers. I don't know what to do at this point. I'm surviving and barely paying the bills. Well, we're a week away from getting the gas shut off, two weeks behind on rent, three weeks past due on the car registration (thank god we havent gotten pulled over yet), and more bills will be due next week. I'll figure somthing out. I'm pretty crafty in a pinch. I just need to stay positive. But in order to do that I have to ignore the truth, abstain from my favorite websites, and pretty much skewer my eyeballs out of my head. Haha, wish me luck. Thanks again everyone for your support and comments. And sorry if I offended anyone, when I let out the negativity, I let it out good.

Comment by Wilson & Wilson on April 8, 2010 at 4:57pm: Gilgamesh,
You wouldn't believe how many people feel the same way you do. You are not wrong for feeling that way. There is a lot of postive strength within you and I would be really honored to be able to call you my friend. One of your greatest attributes is that you are capable of caring for other people and helping those who cannot take care of their own basic physical needs. What a beautiful soul you have. I have never been able to deal with being a personal care giver or CNA, as I could not deal with bodily by products (weak stomach). I dealt with my own babies very well, but that's all I could muster.
I am a woman that went to a private Aerospace college and became a quality control inspector in aerospace manufacturing. I racked up a huge student loan and ended up waiting tables for two bucks per hour plus tips for many years to support my children because my country embraced NAFTA and I could not buy a job after that.
It is great that you love guitar. I played for many years. Want a fact? People who embrace music by enjoying playing and/or writing music are people who are capable of great loving potential. That characteristic is something that cannot be bought and is something that cannot be forced - someone either has it or they do not.
Truth is, you have been shit on. Another Truth is, you are in very fine company. I don't think you are selfish at all. I believe that you are a very good, warm , honest, talented, tenacious, LOYAL (very rare) person who demonstrates a high degree of personal integrity, intelligence, spirit and character and you have been ignored, prejudiced against, unappreciated, bashed and have seen your dreams and aspirations crumble into dust as you scratch through that dust in an effort to be a good provider. What you have experienced and what you are now experiencing is exactly what the evil that runs this world wants to do to each and every one of the "children of promise". Your frustration and anger helps to push you forward in some cases yet is destructive to you in ways that are not obvious in the current time.
My personal email address is : ljphareswilson@yahoo.com and I would like to correspond with you outside of the public forum. I am a very happily married lady who smoked for 31 years and looked up into the sky one day and saw a Lear Jet. I thought about the rich folk that own and operate the tobacco companies, flying along in Lear Jets with their spoiled, snobby families and how none of them smoke, but how they profit from other people smoking, people that are killing themselves by smoking while those bastards fly about in Lear Jets. That was the day that I decided to not be paying for their Lear Jets or fuel anymore. And that was it - the end of my smoking. Just like that.

Comment by fireguy on April 8, 2010 at 12:11pm: You obviously have a lot more going for you than you think.

But then you don't give a crap about what anyone else thinks.

I will be praying for you adn your family if you care or not.