CNN - Venezuelan president Maduro announced today that he is switching the Venezuelan economy to capitalist norms. Western economists lauded the change saying "Now that the free market is being implemented and all of Venezuelas natural resources are being privatized a real economic boom is comming. Now if you want to eat rats in Venezuela you'll have to pay for it which will drive a great deal of sales tax revenue for the new Maduro capitalist government." Venezuelans are celebrating in the streets in large gatherings by slapping thier foreheads while rubbing thier bellies at the same time.

MSNBC - President Trump announced that there has been over 120,000 arrests today executed by the Boyscouts of America t the direction of the president. The arrested felons are mostly employers and landlords who are being charged with felonies for aiding and abetting illegal immigrants. In completely unrelated news Hollywood movie studios have canceled over 127 movie projects due to the sudden disappearance of many actors who have not called in for a sick day and cannot be reached by telephone.

Washington Post - Film maker Peter Jackson has been arrested at his home in New Zealand in connection to the Christchurch mosque shootings. According to police it seems that the shooter was convinced that the mosque attendees were Islamic humans worshipping Allah but because of Peter Jackson's horrific crimes in beating and brainwashing the indigeous Orc population in Mordor (sometimes refered to as New Zealand) the victims of the shooting were orcs exorcising thier legal rights in worshipping thier dark lord Sauron though many still thought they were human. It is also thought that Jacksons pipeweed cartel which helped him brainwash the indigeous non- humans of Mordor as well as humans may have spread to Ausralia making the Australian shooter a pipweed riddled addict who comitted his rampage while high as shit on Jackson's product. "Jackson's crimes against humanity, and orcmanity, end elfmanity, and dwarfmanity have been ignored for too long", said the Cristchurch police chief. Politicians in Mordor are now calling for all citizens to surrender thier palantirs and one rings.

ABCNews - The CDC has released a report on an outbreak of a new venereal disease known by doctors as monkey butt pox which get's it's name from the research physician that discovered it, Dr. Arnold Monkeybuttpox. So far the disease has only been seen in antifa members who blow each other. The horrifying disease causes violent hallucinations, auditory hallucinations and facial diareah causing patients to die from drowning on thier own bullshit. There is currently no cure for the disease and it has a 100% mortality rate according to the CDC. That this disease could break out of the antifa population effecting others who blow each other and spew bullshit has politicians running around in circles and screaming for thier mommys.