So you're training your baby to be a hipster, huh? Round this gift off with a trust-funded apartment in Brooklyn, soy milk, and biodegradable diapers.
No good child is complete without a nervous tick or complex brought on by a deep-rooted fear of inanimate objects. NumbersAlive! gives a face to your favorite numbers, which is horrifying.
You want your children to go to college? Stop telling them they need to get good grades and find a career, and give them a real college experience early on: a giant version of beer pong that features buckets instead of keg cups. What liquid do you fill them with? You be the judge, but please don't get arrested.
Awww, look at wittle Heisenberg and his wittle meth cook outfit! Breaking Bad plush dolls are awesome, I'll admit, but should your kids own them? Yes, actually. They'll be chemists in no time.
People often ask me, "I want to line my child's wall with anthropomorphized soft cylinders, but which ones should I get?" Here you go. Thank me later.
Forget Bratz, your child was made to start their own alternative clique at school. This pink-haired monkey is a lesson in fashion.
You can play a game with fake baloney, I hear. It appears to be some sort of twisted home economics lesson with no reward of a sandwich at the end.
Teddy Bear Body Bags!
"Son, I told you not to eat the cupcakes before dinner. You know the consequence for your actions. Thirty minutes in the Thinking Putty."
Don't stare into its eyes too long. It will try to reach into your soul.
It's important that your kid learns the pride and general enjoyment of having mounted heads on his or her wall early.
Beanie Babies, OUT. Plush mammaries, ovaries and testicles by I Heart Guts, IN. They come in a variety of colors so your freak child's room will at least match.