I.. AM... FUCKING... DONE... WITH... FIREWOOD!

Woke up last night from a dead sleep because I couldn't breath, I could take breaths, but it wasn't air I was sucking in, it was thick, it was acrid, and it wasn't doing the lungs much good. I then realized that if I wanted to breath again, I had to get outside, with the quickness. Flipped on a light switch and the amount of light that came on was about the luminance of a birthday candle. That's when I finally woke up and realized that there was a fire inside here somewhere, for I have been through this before. I had to basically crawl on the floor to get to the front door to escape the suffocation. As I went through my best earthworm impression to get to the front door, I kept looking for flames....nothing. WTF?? by the time I made it out, I had a moment of clarity on about my 4th or 5th deep-ass lung full of outside air......

SHIT, My dog's still in the house!! So was my phone. Think I muttered a few cuss words and went back in, the phone was bottom priority, neighbors had phones, I wasn't coming back out without my best pal and bud. took off my shirt in 29° F weather, fortunately I have a outside water faucet right next to the front door, I soaked the shirt, covering my mouth,nose, face with it and barreled back in, hollering for my best friend, I was freaking because he wasn't hollering back at me like he always does. Somehow my phone was now in my hands, think I knocked it to the floor upon exiting the house, and almost stepped on it first thing going back in & instinctively, unaware, picked it up, I dunno, the fan-impacting shit was becoming a blur of time. I turned on it's flashlight and took one deep-ass breath of good air, held it and went to get my buddy. I found him, half conscience, under a table. Picked that 120 lb beast up like a rag doll (I'm blaming the adrenaline) and out the door we went. He looked like he wasn't breathing and laying on the ground , I was contemplating how to give a canine mouth to mouth,...that's when I noticed where this fire was. I rolled over on the ground and was looking up, when I noticed that on the top of my chimney was giving  a mini Fireworks display, that actually looked spectacular, if it wasn't for the reality of the situation. The 2 rain guards on top were a glowing cherry red. The fire was in the chimney for faks sake....

Anybody ever hear a dog repeatedly wheezing, coughing for 5 minutes???

It's the most bizarre sound, but it was also a relieving sound, because he was now up and about and going to be ok..... I hoped.

An insane thought crossed the gray matter for a minute, I started looking for my garden hose, and was thinking I could handle this.....lolz...NOT! SO right when my thoughts sobered up and now I was going to call 911...but I then realized I couldn't remember the number to reach 911??

(Fuggin with ya's, just thought that was a funny line)

But seriously, right when I put the phone up to let my fingers do the walking, I started to hear sirens...or as they like to say here in the deep South... "Si-reeens". About the time I was pondering whether those sounds were for lil ol me, here come 2 cop cars flying up the street, blue lights a flashing ...Yup, those "Si-reeens" were for me alright, wonder who called? Still don't know.

First one of the boys in blue showing up even asked me, exiting his car, "So where's the fire?" I pointed to the chimney top, I wanted to say, "Well Sherlock, you'll never make Detective if you can't even completely survey the surroundings & locations of accidents,missing rug-rats, etc ....much less, crime scenes " I quickly decided not to ;) Well then here came the Big Show... Not 1, Not 2, but 3 different fire departments showed up. I felt "extra special" at that moment.  w00t!!

This is their pride & joy, brand new ladder truck

Price Tag: $1.5 million 

Now the scene was getting a little crazy for there must have been close to 40 people consisting of Cops, firefighters, rubber-necking neighbors and "Scott "Scoop" Scofield", Your "On-the-Scene" action team, local newspaper reporter...lolz. Talked him out of doing a news piece on just a chimney fire. Told him it would make all 40 or so of those people in my yard look like morons, before it was over, 5 more cop cars arrived, the 3 Fire departments must have brought at least 2-3 fire engines... EACH! This was becoming quite a ridiculous spectacle. I was wondering what the fak all these folks would do, say if another fire broke out now somewhere in one of their 3 districts. 

Sorry about the shit blur pics, but ISO settings, shutter speeds,exposure times and perfect subject framing was the last thing on me mind at the time, besides I was a nervous basket case ;)

Glad this 1945 era  house was brick ;)

After taking a couple of fireman up to the attic, then working our way  down each floor (Chimney side) with their fancy F.L.I.R camera checking temps on the walls, they deemed it to be safe. The guy on the ladder,top of chimney was dropping these little bags of powdered fire suppressant from a chain lowered into the chimney. 

Now here's a couple screwy facts about this whole incident:

1.) I had that chimney pro-cleaned 2.5 years ago, and used it like 3 times the 1st year after cleaning, in fact I eventually asked the guy who was doing the powder bags and flood lights into the chimney how bad did the inside look? He was puzzled cuz he said that there wasn't even enough creosote built up to even cause that.

2.) This happened while I was just starting to build the first fire of the day after getting home late. I barely got it started going, cuz the wood was wet. In fact their F.L.I.R camera only showed 125°F when pointed at the fireplace Insert itself. (BTW, I asked about 6-7 firefighters how often should one have their chimneys cleaned... and outta those 6-7, NONE OF THEM KNEW THE ANSWER..... ya would think that be something every firefighter would know?)

 This dude went for a checkup today and he's just plain wore out still, but in good health. 

Well I have been wanting to get off the firewood for 5 years now..... last night was the deciding vote ;) Now what to use as an alternative heat source??? HHHhhmmmm Still not going back to that oil furnace in the basement, it works awesome, but it rapes the bank,...and me not be a Rockafellow and the thought of lighting a match to shit thats $3.50-$4.50 a gallon ...lolz

OH, and BTW.... Dollar total of the damage to the House??  = 0$ just one more screwy fact to add to this blazing story of firefighting bravery  ....amazing!!!! 

So glad this ol house still stands, but it's just too much damn house for 1 dude and a dog, so I'm finally going to re-locate to the woods in the fall, and open this up as the Area's first brothel!!, Call it,

"Scrutinizers Screw Shack"

w/ Two for One Tuesday's Specials!! 

this place is perfect for it...5 bedrooms,with potential of 2 more made very easily in the full-sized attic, gotta a full finished basement, w/ bar, and an office room in the back, ...this place is screaming for such a place.... a steady, never ending & constantly changing supply of freshman "working gals" from the local University a mere couple blocks away...  I mean it's a no-brainer. Everybody from every level of life loves sex, just get a cop or two on the customer base, maybe a judge, everyone STFU, and keep hush-hush about it and we'll ALL be golden ;)~

That's MY retirement plan professor :)