A witty, fairly accurate and strangely informative and correct essay about Australia.

AUSTRALIA AND AUSTRALIANS

The following is by Douglas Adams of “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” fame.
“Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet.  It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including  what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea.  Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the “Great Australian Bight”,  proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can’t spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place.  Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals.  They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep.  It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate  to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.
But even the spiders won’t go near the sea.  Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else.  A stick is very useful for this task.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
A short history: Sometime around 60,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north.  They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died.  The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man’s proper place in the scheme of things,  and spiders.  They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.  More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge.  They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

 

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since.  It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilized  culture they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on ‘extended holiday’ and became Australians.  The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look  deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the  necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises.  They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift  for making up stories.  Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches.  Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the  sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders.  However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a sour lot.  Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems,  they smile disarmingly and look for a stick.  Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the ‘Grass is greener on the other side of the fence’ syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land “Oz” or “Godzone” (a verbal contraction  of “God’s Own Country”).

THE IRRITATING THING ABOUT THIS IS THEY MAY BE RIGHT.
TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA
Don’t ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning is imperative.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.

 

Wear thick socks.
Take good maps.  Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.  And don’t forget a stick.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS

They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in their wallet or purse.

They pronounce Melbourne as “Mel-bin”. Brisbane is pronounced “Bris-bun”.
They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
They think “Woolloomooloo” is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that “Wagga Wagga” can be abbreviated to “Wagga”, but “Woy Woy” can’t be called “Woy”.
Their hamburgers will contain beetroot.  Apparently it’s a must-have.

How else can you get a stain on your shirt?
They don’t think it’s summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.
And they all carry a stick

Views: 160

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

It is a must have ! What burger wouldn't have beetroot in it ? You would be sending it back if that was missing. I think everything else sounds true also, but if you don't get the accent thing right it's showing everyone you won't fit in. Also people who do engage in fist fights there can get deported. 

He's got some good advice always carry your stick wherever you go In case you need it ,,my stick is called a taiaha I know a few austrailians and it can be dangerous there with all those wild animals that can jump out in front of you at anytime anyone that wins a fist fight better not laugh about it because you will get arrested and fuckin deported if the  victim  didn't deserve it you should be deported. Better to save the energy for the people that do deserve it.

RSS

"Destroying the New World Order"

TOP CONTENT THIS WEEK

THANK YOU FOR SUPPORTING THE SITE!

mobile page

12160.info/m

12160 Administrators

 

Latest Activity

tjdavis posted a blog post
12 hours ago
Less Prone commented on tjdavis's blog post EST
"What possible motive did the Ashkenazi Jews have in exposing the original Jews into this…"
13 hours ago
Less Prone commented on tjdavis's blog post EST
"The war between Isreal and Palestinians is a war of the modern Ashkenazi Jews fighting against the…"
13 hours ago
Doc Vega commented on tjdavis's blog post EST
"Mark Levin is a good source of info on what's going on there."
14 hours ago
Doc Vega commented on tjdavis's blog post EST
"If you care to ascribe to the bullshit news media you will get the exact opposite details from the…"
14 hours ago
Doc Vega posted blog posts
15 hours ago
cheeki kea posted a blog post

Why is there Abnormal Physiology in the Vaccinated Heart?

Doctor McMillion has totally out done himself on this video. If he's on a roll here it'll be on top…See More
19 hours ago
cheeki kea posted photos
20 hours ago
cheeki kea commented on tjdavis's photo
20 hours ago
cheeki kea commented on Sandy's photo
Thumbnail

FB_IMG_1710523455761

"Ha Thia have you considered applying to move to Russia? Hourly rate the same but cost of living…"
yesterday
Doc Vega posted blog posts
Saturday
tjdavis favorited MAC's video
Saturday
tjdavis favorited MAC's video
Saturday
Doc Vega's 5 blog posts were featured
Saturday
tjdavis's 3 blog posts were featured
Saturday
steve's blog post was featured

This must be understood THE ELITE WANT US DEAD our only way out is----------------------------

to realize this FACT, get mad dog mad and go on the offensive. Once again they mean to KILL us and…See More
Saturday
MAC posted videos
Saturday
tjdavis posted photos
Saturday
tjdavis posted videos
Saturday
Sandy posted a photo
Friday

© 2024   Created by truth.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service

content and site copyright 12160.info 2007-2019 - all rights reserved. unless otherwise noted